With the recent arrest of Jamie Todd Hensler, the fascists at the Portland Police Bureau have added having clean balls to the list of basic human rights they have decided to criminalize in Portland, a shameful list that includes the right to homelessness and the right to sleep where ever you wish, whenever you wish.

To right this heinous blow to human rights in Portland, the Portland Clean Balls Alliance (PCBA) demands the following actions be taken immediately:

1. Mayor Adams and the City Council must not only legalize ball-washing in any and all public and private fountains in Portland, they must also encourage and facilitate this activity.

2. Begin installing green, sustainable, solar-powered ball-washers throughout the city of Portland. Portland’s City Hall itself should become a hub of ball-washing activity, with no expense being spared to provide a safe, family-friendly and welcoming environment where all Portlander’s can wash their balls. No person in the city of Portland should ever again find themselves with dirty balls and no means to wash them!

3. Arrest, prosecute and imprison the jack-booted thugs who arrested Mr. Hensler.

4. Require annual sensitivity training for all Portland Police Bureau officers in all aspects of ball-washing.

5. Equip and train Portland police officers to wash the balls of those who are unable to wash their own.

The white male power-holding 1% have had a monopoly on clean balls for far too long, and the 99% will no longer tolerate this injustice. Once these actions are taken, Portland will assume it’s rightful place at the forefront of the struggle for clean balls. Forward!

In clean solidarity,
PCBA